plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My life is pants optional.
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