you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
