they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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