i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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