At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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