Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
