went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
