i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
