he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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