If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
