Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
