Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
