I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
