Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
