dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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