Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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