I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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