I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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