Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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