The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
try to milk me bitch
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