So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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