My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
