I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
