eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
