i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
