She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
