I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
