everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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