I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
