You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
