Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Swine flu. Run for my life!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
