No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
