I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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