I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
