You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize