It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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