I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
