I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
