his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
