i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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