Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
