Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
