did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
