I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
