Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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