u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
