You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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