that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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