i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
