Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
