so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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