I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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