How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
